Couple Time: It's the Small Things

Have you ever had a day that started out horribly?  That was mine this morning.  I was trying to get ready to go to a wedding and none of my clothes fit right because I had a baby two months ago, my baby didn't want to be anywhere but in my arms, and my 3 year old was throwing a fit because he couldn't find his toy!  But, my husband walked in the door to pick me up to go and the first words out of his  mouth were "You look beautiful." It made my day! It's the small things that help keep me going.

What small things does your spouse do that make your day?

Megan

Couple Time: Let's Ask the Experts!

I was recently introduced to a website that I think is well worth sharing!

thedatingdivas.com
Strengthening Marriage, One Date at a Time

I know I get stuck in a rut all the time on what to do for a date night. This site provides pages upon pages of wonderful ideas, crossing the span from an all-out expensive night on the town to a cheap, stay at home while the kids are in bed kind of night.

There are many posts to browse, in addition to their regular new updates...categories include:

Date Night
Just the two of us
Four or More
Romantic Rendevous
Adventurous Amore
At Home
Out on the Town

You and Me
Show Him the Love
Show Her the Love
Intimate Moments
Lookin' Good for your Spouse
Anniversary & Birthday Ideas

Special Moments
Marriage 101
Family Fun
Not Your Ordinary Movie

...just to name a few!

The website is created and maintained by 11 women who are all busy mothers--several employed outside the home as well--who are committed to strengthening their relationships with their husbands. Kudos to them for sharing everything they've practiced!

I whole-heartedly agree with a quote they list as their inspiration:

"Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day."

-Barbara De Angelis

Check them out! The site is definitely worth even just a few moments of browsing. You'll be hooked!

~Laura~

Couple Time: Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

When I was engaged, my mom was completing her bachelor's degree (GO MOM!) in Family and Consumer Studies. As part of a class, she was required to read this book:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
by John M. Gottman

She already had thirty years of marriage under her belt, and she was able to recognize that this book had a lot to offer. As such, she gave it to me to read before and during the beginnings of my own marriage. I still refer to it now and again, after five years, and I believe it is worth sharing. As the title suggests, there are seven basic principles covered, each with several exercises and activities to complete with your spouse. Today, I will introduce just two of those principles.

Principle 1:
Enhance your Love Maps

My husband is a computer engineer, while my professional background is in elementary education. Needless to say, I often do not understand what exactly it is that he does at work all day... I can, however, tell you the title of his main project, the names of his bosses and his team, give a description, albeit brief and basic, of what his major work goals are, and I know to be excited when he comes home and says he actually got to program today. This is what Gottman refers to as a Love Map--a couple's understanding of the intimate details of each other's lives, including the parts that do not necessarily overlap.

From the book: "From knowledge springs not only love by the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict. ... There are few gifts a couple can give each other greater than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood."

Exercises:

1. The Love Map 20 Questions Game: Each partner randomly chooses 20 numbers within 1-60. Ask your partner the corresponding question. If he answers correctly, he gets the number of points indicated, and you get one point. If he answers incorrectly, neither of you get any points. Take turns answering questions about each other.

Sample questions:

1 point--Where was I born? What is my favorite color?
2 points--Name my two closest friends. What is my favorite movie? What do I most like to do with my time off?
3 points--Who was my best friend in childhood? Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)?
4 points--What makes me feel most competent? What do I fear most? What are some of the important events coming up in my life and how do I feel about them?
5 points--What is my fondest unrealized dream?

2. Make Your Own Love Maps: You are on a fact-finding mission. Using the questions provided, interview each other. Take turns as listener and speaker. Your goal is to listen and learn about your mate.

Sample topics:

The cast of characters in my partner's life
Recent important events in my partner's life
Upcoming events
Current Stresses & Worries
Hopes and Aspirations

3. Who Am I?: This is a self-searching exercise in which you come to understand yourself better and thus are better able to share with your partner. Each spouse should complete the activity for themselves and then share responses as a couple.

Sample topics:

My triumphs and strivings
My injuries and healings
My emotional world
My mission and legacy
Who I want to become

Principle 2:
Nurture your Fondness and Admiration

From the book: "Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner's personality flaws, they [should] still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. ... By simply reminding yourself of your spouse's positive qualities--even as you grapple with each other's flaws--you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating."

Exercises:

1. "I appreciate...": A list of 72 characteristics are given. Each partner should select only three that you feel are characteristic of your spouse. Then, share an incident in which that characteristic was displayed.

Sample characteristics:

Loving
Energetic
Considerate
Resourceful
Playful
Expressive
Warm
Relaxed
Lively
A great partner
Understanding

2. The History and Philosophy of Your Marriage: Discussing the happy times from your past together can help refocus your perspective on why you married in the first place. Thirteen questions are given covering The History of Your Relationship and Your Philosophy of Marriage to be discussed at length together.

Sample questions:

Discuss how the two of you met and got together. Was there anything about your spouse that made him or her stand out? What were your first impressions of each other?

Talk to each other about your parents' marriages. Would you say they were very similar to or different from your own marriage?

3. A Seven-Week Course in Fondness and Admiration: The purpose of this activity is to get into the habit of thinking positively about your spouse on a consistent basis. For seven weeks, there is a thought and a task given for the five weekdays. Think of the thought several times throughout the day, and find specific instances when that thought applied to your relationship, even if it isn't the "norm" presently. Be sure to complete the task, even if it might not fit how you are feeling about your partner on that particular day. As the weeks progress, the tasks become more involved and gradually include your partner more directly and more frequently.

Sample week:

Monday
Thought: I am genuinely fond of my partner.
Task: List one characteristic you find endearing or lovable.

Tuesday
Thought: I can easily speak of the good times in our marriage.
Task: Pick one good time and write a sentence about it.

Wednesday
Thought: I can easily remember romantic, special times in our marriage.
Task: Pick one such time and think about it.

Thursday
Thought: I am physically attracted to my partner.
Task: Think of one physical attribute you like.

Friday
Thought: My partner has specific qualities that make me proud.
Task: Write down one characteristic that makes you proud.


From Laura:

It is my belief that good marriages only really happen because serious effort is put in, on a consistent basis and by each partner, to keep that relationship strong and healthy. My purpose in sharing what I have today is to give some tools to help in building up and strengthening your own marriage. I would like some feedback in regards to this and potential future posts for Thursday's Couple Time. Please take a few moments to leave a comment!

What kinds of marriage topics would you be interested in discussing on this blog?

Was this introduction to the seven principles of interest to you? Do you think you will use any of the tips suggested? Would you be interested in reading more about the other principles (or more details on these two shared)?

Thanks for sharing!

Couple Time: Money Matters

When I first got married, my husband was fresh off his mission while I had been living independently, working to pay all my bills myself, for over three years. I determined that I obviously was the most logical choice as financial manager for our new little family. I therefore took it upon myself to track all of our income and expenses, pay all the bills, and even start building up our emergency fund (now that all our savings had been used up on the wedding). I was so sure that I could handle it and my husband would never have to worry his pretty little head about money.

Funny thing, though--he actually wanted to know what was going on with our money. Huh. He didn't want me to just take over and not tell him anything. Go figure.

That launched the next stage. He took over and despite his many attempts to include me, he basically ran the show for the next few years. I would get too annoyed trying to sit down and do anything with him and often it was easier for him to just do it himself than try to do it together and end up fighting.

Sometimes I'm glad we're not newlyweds anymore.

We have improved over time, but we still hit snags now and again when we try to go over finances--particularly when the income doesn't quite match our (my?) desired expenses.

Money and financial issues have often been listed as one of the highest causes of marital conflict and divorce. No one is immune from having to work through these kinds of issues in their own marriage. I am interested to know how you can turn your own marital finances from this:


to this:

aren't google images great?

So...

Who manages the money in your family? Husband? Wife? Or do you do it together?

How do you prevent money from becoming a trouble area, particularly when the budget is tight?

Any tips or tricks for keeping the peace when money is involved?

~Laura~

This post is intended mostly for looking into the relationship side of managing finances. If there is interest, we can certainly do more posts about the nitty-gritty how-to of family money management. Just let us know!

Couple Time: A Question on Tempers

Okay, so for the last couple weeks, I've tried to be super cutesy and point out the stuff that's really wonderful about marriage and things we can do to make our romantic bliss even more blissful.  Because from the bottom of my heart, I'm thoroughly convinced there's a lot to be grateful for.

But I'm also human.  A very PREGNANT variety of human.  And very pregnant women are (generally) not cutesy, sweet, and romantic all the time.  In fact, especially if we've got a lot going on above and beyond pregnancy, there's a good number of days that we're downright ornery.  Hugely round and ornery.  I feel like if I lose my footing at the top of a hill, I'll seriously ROLL without difficulty the ENTIRE way down.  And that's never good for my self-esteem. At my OBGYN appointment last week, my doctor patted me on the back and said that all this was normal, but I don't remember myself being so miserable at the end of my first pregnancy. It's funny what the brain chooses to remember, right?

Anyway, moving on.  There IS a point to this post.

As a big, round, ornery, miserably pregnant woman, I often find myself snapping at my poor husband.  His sweet attempts to be romantic seem ridiculous.  His normal obliviousness to little household chores leaves me steaming.  His usual jokes annoy the tar out of me.  In hindsight, I know this isn't healthy behavior for me to indulge in...but I feel like whacked-out hormones are getting the better of me...along with my aching back.

Through trial and error, I've stumbled across a few methods that help ease (what seems like) my chronically awful third-trimester temper:

-Reading my patriarchal blessing.
-Sitting down by myself and reading a few pages of my favorite novels...the relaxing ones that I only ever read for fun.
-Taking a long shower (not sure why this works)
-Praying to help me see why my husband is wonderful.
-Talking to my husband, telling him why I feel frustrated.
-Forcing myself to forget about it and going to bed.

But everyone's different, and I'm needing more ideas!  Help me, ladies!  What things do you do to help keep your temper in check and not nag about the silly little things?  Because pregnant or not, there are just those times that we all need to step back and take a breather!

-Alyssa

Couple Time: Lovey Dovey Love Notes

Words. Words. Words. They're worth more than gold, yet I usually fail to appreciate them until the opportunity has been sorely missed. This week, as my husband and I live in different cities (yet again) until our house sells, I find myself wishing to hear him say "I love you" more than anything. I miss him. Most likely, the same goes for him. Absense makes the heart grow fonder, I suppose, but don't wait until long separations to say and write down the love you have for each other.

Richard G. Scott gave one of my favorite reminders of writing love letters at this last conference (link):

"I learned from my wife the importance of expressions of love. Early in our marriage, often I would open my scriptures to give a message in a meeting, and I would find an affectionate, supportive note Jeanene had slipped into the pages. Sometimes they were so tender that I could hardly talk. Those precious notes from a loving wife were and continue to be a priceless treasure of comfort and inspiration.

I began to do the same thing with her, not realizing how much it truly meant to her. I remember one year we didn’t have the resources for me to give her a valentine, so I decided to paint a watercolor on the front of the refrigerator. I did the best I could; only I made one mistake. It was enamel paint, not watercolor. She never let me try to remove that permanent paint from the refrigerator.

I remember one day I took some of those little round paper circles that form when you punch holes in paper, and I wrote on them the numbers 1 to 100. I turned each over and wrote her a message, one word on each circle. Then I scooped them up and put them in an envelope. I thought she would get a good laugh.

When she passed away, I found in her private things how much she appreciated the simple messages that we shared with each other. I noted that she had carefully pasted every one of those circles on a piece of paper. She not only kept my notes to her, but she protected them with plastic coverings as if they were a valuable treasure." -Richard G. Scott

This week, write your husband a love letter and mail it to him. No one can resist getting something in the mail besides bills. Slip a love letter in the slide-cover of his cell phone before he goes to work. Stick it to his pillow when he goes to bed. Whatever works to make it a surprise.

Like Elder Scott suggested, keep them. Even in the scant number of years I've been married, the sweet little notes my husband has written for me are my treasures. TIP: I'm really bad at keeping tiny slips of paper together, so I take pictures of all the notes my hubby gives me and save them in a "love note" file on my hard drive. Super easy to find, date (because most pictures store with "date taken" info), and reference.

And please, share your stories! How has writting down love notes strengthened your marriage? What sort of cute things do you do to store them?

-Alyssa

Couple Time: This Week, Indulge Him

Let's face it. After children enter the picture, it's easy to make them the center of your universe, but always remember that on your checklist of priorities, your spouse still comes first. In the words of Spencer W. Kimball, a good, happy marriage is one where husband and wife "have great regard for each other" and "their worlds revolve around each other." A good thought. Happiness in marriage is essential to the eternal plan. However, it's easier said than done when the laundry's piling up, kids are begging for dinner, the house is a mess, and all the mom-responsibilities become overwhelming. But we all know that dads have it rough too. He needs a pick-me-up day just as much as we do. Make him really feel like he's the center of your universe. The secret is quality time; spend it with your spouse. And this week for date night, let's indulge him, ladies.

Show some special interest in his hobbies:
-If he likes to hunt, take him paint-balling or lazer-tagging.
-If he likes to build stuff, send the kids to a sitter so you can pop in some music and work along side him.
-If he likes to play video games to unwind from the day (like my hubby), grit your teeth and play with him.
-If he likes cars (also like my hubby), take him to a car lot and "pretend" like you're car shopping with him. Looking at cars makes my husband unbelievably happy.
-If he likes movies, surprise him by going to the midnight premier of an upcoming, anticipated movie. Something about the midnight showing is just fun to do. Maybe it's the hype.
-If he's the outdoorsy type, find a trail he's never been to and take him there. Pack a extra special lunch while you're at it. Or save up and take him climbing at a rock-climbing wall. It's seriously SO fun.

And the list goes on. The trick is to plan, plan, plan. Don't leave this to the last minute and fall into the "So...what do you want to do?" rut. Make him feel like his hobby is something important to you. I promise that on our end, planning dates like this are beyond fun. There's still time. So share your ideas! What ways can you think of to indulge your husband's hobbies for date-night this week?

-Alyssa