Not so Good

Yesterday we went to the park and had a fun time until the very end.  I was packing everything up to take to the car and then walking to the other end of the park to get Lucas when I noticed a woman walking him towards me.  I was a little concerned because I hadn't seen Lucas do anything naughty and then he got within hearing distance of me and was saying something I have never heard from his mouth before, a swear word (thank you family member that I will not name!). This woman, I don't know if she had kids or not because me and a friend could only see our kids, glared at me like I was the most horrible mother in the world! I quickly stopped Lucas from saying what he was and apologized to her and had Lucas apologize also.  She didn't say anything so I walked away. So I have a couple questions for this situation to ask you smart moms out there.

First, what discipline do you use when your children use not so nice language?

How do you deal with the situation so it doesn't happen again?

Have you approached the person they learned the language from and discussed it with them?

Besides apologizing to the woman, was there anything else I should have said?

-Megan-

Tantrums

Oh man.  It feels SO good to be back after almost a two month hiatus.  My baby's doing great. (Thank you).  She's absolutely adorable, and I love the stinkin' daylights out of that little ball of baby cuteness.  I could (and sometimes do) spend way too much time staring at her newborn face.

The topic of this post, however, is a little less warm and cuddly and a little more frustrating.

Dun

      Dun

            DUN....

Tantrums. 

Seriously.  My blood pressure went up a couple notches after just reading the word.  I used to think, "My angel baby will never throw a tantrum," and got a little ticked when mothers of older kids would tell me, "Just you wait."  But now I know better.  EVERY child throws tantrums.  Some sooner or later than others, but there isn't a mother alive who's gotten out of dealing with their little precious throwing a fit on the ground.

Now, experts say that a child really doesn't get the concept of "THIS action results in THIS consequence" until age 3.  Starting to realize that other people besides themselves have feelings (and are affected by these tantrums) may come even later than that.  My boy's two and a half.  So far, I'm agreeing with the experts.  No matter how many times I dish out the same consequence, the tantrums continue at about the same frequency and intensity.  Urg.

The standards responses are: 

(1) Get down at eye level and attempt to understand what's frustrating him. This sometimes works, but when he wants something that he can't have, this doesn't usually quell the cries.

(2) Ignore it.  No emotional reward, no behavior, right?  Ha.  I'm not seeing this one work so much, but maybe it will when he starts putting actions and consequences together

So, moms of younger kids...what are your views of tantrums? What sort of good stuff have you read in parenting books on how to deal with it?

And moms of older kids...how do you deal with tantrums without losing your mind?  (Sometimes, I seriously have to put my crying boy in his room to get away from the ear-splitting screaming.)  What has worked for you?  

Let's hear it moms!  Your genius advice is officially requested!

-Alyssa

Reader Requests 2011 - Post 3

Our reader request this week deals with children talking back. Check out what our reader had to say:

"How do you curb talking back from children? We make every effort to teach respect, but my 5 year old (though she is mainly respectful to others) has gotten into the habit of sassing my husband and I or just using an inappropriate tone of voice. Ideas would be much appreciated."

Let's help her out!

How do you teach respect to your children?

How do you distinguish between how we speak to family members and how we speak to others outside our homes?

How do you deal with talking back when it happens?


P.S. We are always looking for more reader requests! Remember, you can ask questions in any area of parenting or family life--we take them all!

What Chores Can Kids Tackle?

Probably more than you'd think.  Beginning with toddlers, who incidentally are the PERFECT candidates for household chore help...what with their almost overflowing desire to please adults and "Eelp!" mom, our job as parents is to instill the importance of keeping the house in working order as well as responsibilities...all while fostering a sense of empowerment in our children.  Now, ALLOWING the help may take you longer.  It may slow you down.  But the boost of confidence it gives your munchkin to be a valuable part of the family (everyone, including a child, loves to feel needed), the look on his face when he gets it right, and not to mention the magical event of a self-cleaning room (kind of) will be well worth your efforts.

So how to go about doing it?

Here are some age appropriate chores too divy out to our little angels:

AGE 2-3:
-Help make their bed.
-Pick up toys (with supervision)
-Help sort laundry (big clothes and little clothes)
-Dusting (perhaps start by slipping Daddy's sock over his hand and teaching him the basics)
-Food prep (mixing batter, helping "measure" ingredients, frosting cookies, etc.)
-Setting the table (plastic, please!)
-Sweeping and vacuuming alongside mom
-Putting away groceries (learn about all sorts of shapes and colors in the process!)

NOTE FOR PARENTS:  At this age, sticker charts may not be necessary, but be sure to LAVISH on the praise!  And...as always, make sure your number one helper is out of the room before you start filling in spots he missed while dusting. :)

AGE 4-5:
-Getting dressed
-Making their bed with little parental help
-Matching socks in the laundry
-Hang up towels in the bathroom
-Clean the floors with a dry mop
-Carrying and putting away groceries

NOTE FOR PARENTS:  For our adorable little lovers of new adventures, the thrill of learning something new may be reason enough to make chores fun.  Physical rewards at this age are very motivating.  A sticker chart or, for some preschoolers, a small allowance may be just the ticket to make chores into something fun and give the kids a wonderful sense of accomplishment.

AGE 6-8: (In addition to the chores already laid out above)
-Make their beds by themselves
-Brush their teeth
-Choose their fashion-forward outfit for the day and get dressed by themselves.
-Be responsible for taking care of a pet
-Vacuum and mop (for reals :)
-Take out the trash
-Put away dishes from dishwasher
-Answer phones (with supervision)
-Fold (with supervision) and put away laundry
-Write thank you notes (love this one)

NOTE FOR PARENTS:  Kids, at this age, most likely won't have that budding excitement to "help" as they did before.  Instead, that is replaced with an overwhelming desire to be independent.  "MO-OM!  I can do it myself!"  At this point, make use of a chore chart to keep track of responsibilities.  The chart will also be a gentle reminder without you having to nag (as much).

BUT...and that's a big BUT...every child's different.  And millions of moms have been using millions of combinations of ingenuity, patience, and discipline to get this whole "chore" machine well-oiled and working throughout the years.  The most important thing is to DO IT!  Chores are invaluable for instilling confidence, a healthy attitude about work, and basically how to be a good adult in the future (which really is our ultimate goals as parents, right?)

So now, I'd like to hear from all you brilliant guys and gals...

What have you done with your own kids?  And what kinds of new ideas are you forging to make your current system work even better?  

Reader Requests 2011 - Post 2

This week we are talking about........



Check out what our reader said:

"I would love to see some tips on how to teach the concept of humility to kids. I have a six year old that KNOWS IT ALL. I know that's really common for her age, but it's worrying me.

Our daughter is really bright. She's very curious, always reading and wanting to learn new things. I definitely don't want to squelch that passion as I do see it as one of her God-given gifts and talents, but I think being humble is equally important.

Outside of modeling humility, how do you teach the concept? Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated!"

So give us your ideas on teaching humility to the little ones!! Great question - and thank you for your Reader Request, keep them coming.

Requests from our Readers Week 29

This week we are discussing how to handle a situation where your kids are exposed to behavior you do not want them repeating. Check out what our reader said:

"I have a family member with children who often behave in ways I do not want my own children to behave. Since they are family and we love them I can't exactly not plan to do things with them, but I worry that my children will learn to act in the same ways they see their cousins act. Since parenting is such a sensitive topic I don't want to say anything to their parents, but I also don't want to have to re-direct my own children every time we come home from being with those cousins."

So let's help her out!

What would you do if your children were frequently exposed to inappropriate behavior by other children?

How do you teach very young children that they should not act in ways they see other children act, especially if if it someone they love and look up to?

Requests from Our Readers Week 27

This week we are talking about sibling LOVE. :) Check out what our reader said....



"My son is 20 months old and my daughter is 5 months old. They get along well, but sometimes my toddler loves my baby a little too much. Any tips on keeping the baby from being attacked with affection?"

So help her out!
How do you keep that over enthusiastic toddler away from their sibling yet give them the chance to show affection?
How much do you let your toddler help out with the baby?

Thanks for the reader request. Keep them coming!!

In the Heat of the Moment

Has your child done this before?


cut her hair off...or her sister's

dumped all the parmesan cheese on the couch and rubbed it in

hidden all the silverware in various places around the house

poured out all of your careful sorted beads, buttons and the like

filled the carpet with playdough

I borrowed these stories from blogs I read and things my own children have done. My question today is how do you control your temper in the heat of the moment? I find myself reacting strongly and quickly before I have time to really think about what I'm doing, and it often has negative effects on my children. I hope I'm not the only one who is not completely composed 100% of the time!

So...

How do you react when you come upon a problem situation, without losing your temper?

How do you teach your child that what they did was wrong?

Any tips for keeping your cool?

Laura

As always, thank you ladies, for your continued insights and suggestions. And don't forget to send in your reader requests!

Parenting Books (part 2)

So far, as a parent, I really haven't read very many parenting books. I've heard both good and bad about parenting books, and that you have to just take what you want out of them. And, I always felt like I could just do what came naturally. But, as my son is getting older, I'm finding a need for SOME advice on certain areas such as discipline, potty training, basic learning, activities to do with my him, and overall just what to expect as he grows up.

Some of the books I have read in the past are:

"Babywise" by Gary Ezzo

"What to Expect: When You're Expecting" by Heidi Murkof

And I just started reading "1,2,3 Magic!" Dr. Thomas W. Phelan



I'm sure most of you readers have read or at least heard of "Babywise" and "What to Expect When You're Expecting". "1,2,3 Magic" is about discipline and the whole "counting before going to time-out" method. My sister-in-law has been using the method in "1,2,3 Magic!" for about a year now and it has proven to work well for her and her son who is almost 3. I haven't read the whole book, but plan on it and hope to use that method.


So, my questions to you are:

What are your feelings about parenting books? Good or bad?
What are your favorite and not-so-favorite parenting books?
Why do you like/dislike the book(s)?
Would you rather use the books or just advice from others?

Keeping Calm

Being a parent is hard work.  Kids are kids,  and sometimes they break things.  Sometimes they don't listen.  Sometimes they hit their sister.  Sometimes they throw a tantrum in the grocery store.  They make big messes.  They color on the couch.  They smear Vaseline all over the carpet. (Personal experience here.) They eat stuff off the floor. They clog the toilet to overflowing right before your dinner guests arrive (here too). Sometimes I wonder if my kids have a sensor to tell when I'm already stressed or running late, and pick those times to misbehave. Adding these stresses onto an already busy life just seems to be too much to handle sometimes. I will be the first to say one of my biggest weaknesses as a mom is staying calm in all situations.  I know I'm not the only mom who gets upset and regrets the way she acted. (Tell me I'm not the only one, please!)  

I don't want to be the mom that yells are speaks harshly. I don't want to be the mom who is stressed out all the time. I don't want to put the rest of my family in a bad mood when I am unhappy. I want to teach my children how they should treat other people by the example of how I treat them.  I want them to never doubt even for half a second that I love them.  I want them to see a happy, caring mother, who is forgiving.  I understand that no woman is perfect and we can't be expected to be happy and cheerful all the time. But I do believe that my children always deserve to be treated with respect.  There are some things that are unacceptable.

How do you do it?  In those moments of frustration, how do you keep your cool?   How do you remind yourself to be gentle and keep a peaceful home? How do you show your children respect?  

Kids and Meltdowns

(image from here)

A couple of weeks ago my 17 month-old son and I were invited to have a playdate with one of my friends and her children. We thought that we would go to a Fun Park where there is a soft-play area for the children which included tunnels and slides. She had taken her kids there before and they enjoyed it. And I thought that since my son was the same age as her son, that we would enjoy it. So we got there and took the kids to the soft-play area and helped them climb up the tubes and go down the slides. My son HATED it!!! I guess he did enjoy going down the slide, but that was about it. He was having a meltdown every 5 seconds, I swear! So I decided to let him play on an arcade game where you drove a car. He could have played on that thing the ENTIRE time! But when it was time to go I had to pry him off of that thing and that's when the meltdown REALLY started!! Oh Boy!!!
Then it was lunch time and so we took the kids to eat. It was a restaurant that wasn't really kid-friendly, but the food was de-lish!! Mmmm! Just thinking about it is making my mouth water. Anyway, I bought some food that I thought my son would eat and he refused to eat anything! He just wanted to run around and if I even tried to hold him on my lap it was fight.
I've had similar instances in the grocery store where all he does is throw a fit, even if we've only been in the store for 5 minutes. And all I wanna do is leave my cart of groceries in the cart at the store and high-tail it outta there!

So, what do you do when you take your child to do something fun and he/she has a meltdown?
What about if it is something like going grocery shopping or going out to eat? What do you do then?

I know you've all been there, so let's here what you did or what you wanted to do!

Requests From Our Readers: Week 20

This week we are talking about tattling. Check out what our reader said....


"I was wondering about tattling. There are a lot of questions that come of this but specifically I was wondering - what do you do if you aren't in the room and a kid comes up to you and says 'so and so took my toy, hit me, etc'? Do you actually punish one of the kids based on what the other kid says? Are these punishments as severe as if you had witnessed the act yourself? Do you find that the tattle teller is generally truthful?"

So help her out...

Address her specific questions from the paragraph and tell us what do you usually do with tattling????

This is our last reader request in our docket... so send some more our way! Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

When you're going it alone...

Welcome back! We're going to jump right into the new year with a question that hopefully doesn't see much use...

single parenting

Whether it be for a business trip, family, church or military obligations, or a week rock climbing with the guys, sometimes our husbands are gone and we find ourselves single parents for an extended period of time. While we always hope this will be short lived, it still helps to have a few tips to get us through the long stretches when we're going on our own. Here are a few things I have learned.

"Pack" the night before.

Especially if you need to be out the door at a particular time, it's helpful to get everyone's clothes laid out the night before. Find all the shirts, pants, socks, and shoes and have them ready in a pile. A lot of stress can be avoided if you don't have to go searching for the one missing shoe when you're already running late!

When the toddler and the baby are crying, take care of the toddler first.

I've been learning this with my two-year-old and three-month-old. When the baby's crying, it always seems so urgent to take care of her NOW. But I have learned that my toddler notices when I choose the baby first. If I give the toddler the attention she needs, she is much more forgiving of the time I spend with the baby. When Dad isn't around, it's much easier if she isn't resentful towards me or the baby.

Get some sleep!

This is that advice that every new mom hears and can't quite seem to follow--at least, in my experience. It's hard to get anything done when you have the kids all day and it's tempting to work during naptime or stay up late into the night to catch up on what couldn't get done during the day. But, it is important to get enough rest to have the energy to keep up with the little ones!

.....
Next week, my husband starts a new job 90 miles away. He will be home only on the weekends. I have a few tricks for the single parenting adventure, but I would love to hear any other tricks you have in your bags!

Positive Parenting

 Do you want to parent while smiling more, without raising your voice, and without having to harp on your kids so much? Do you want to help your children to learn for themselves how to make good choices and feel good about it?
My friend recently lent me a book called The Power of Positive Parenting by Dr. Glenn I. Latham. It totally changed my perspective on parenting. I am aware that one of our readers, Diane, has mentioned an article on positive parenting. I am sorry to say that I could not track that link down. Diane, if you would please link us again a comment?

The principles addressed in this book basically teach that parenting is at its most effective when it is focusing on the positive instead of the negative things our kids do. He instructs parents to ignore typical "junk" kid behavior so that we are not reinforcing it. Then, be sure to SELECTIVELY and sincerely praise positive behavior that you would like to see repeated. Be careful not to praise everything as that will back fire. Just like the gambling principle, inconsistent rewards have more impact. There is a time and place for addressing negative behavior like when it hurts someone or something. When that happens he tells us to calmly tell the child that this behavior really isn't like them and to, for example, go lay on the bed and take some deep breaths for a minute (without any hint of irriation in your voice just concern and love). Then when they have calmed down to go and talk with them about it and have a teaching moment. A consequence may also be introduced at this time. He also spouts some ideals similar to Love and Logic like letting the consequences of choices to be natural and not to step in and rescue them from the natural consequences.

Overall I really enjoyed the book (the writing is pretty witty and fun to read even though it is technically written as a text book). I tried out some of the principles and found that adjusting to this new way of parenting was as difficult for my son as it was for me. Dr. Latham warns you that things might get worse before they get better and that was certainly true for us....but once we got the hang of things I really feel like our interactions have improved greatly and I feel like a more skilled parent. It has done more than given me tools it has changed the lenses through which I view my kids and all childrenreally. They really just want our love and approval. They usually don't want to get into trouble, they either just need to be taught in a way they understand and are acting out because they don't know better, or they are just trying to get our attention.

I feel that this book is more about how to change you as a parent - for the better of course- than how to make your children better, which is all you can really control anyway - yourself. I am no where near perfect at being a more positive parent but I am getting there. I don't like all the aspects of this book, like his potty training and time out method, but I love how honest, and real it is. He uses real examples with are more relatable. Often when I read a parenting book I feel horrible about how many things I am doing wrong, but he reminds us that if we are making mistakes we just need to learn and/or sharpen our parenting skills, rather than guilt tripping or reprimanding. He is quite positive to us an author which wasn't surprising to me and it worked. It enticed me to WANT to do better and to feel empowered to do so.


So let me know your thoughts on this book, if you have read it.


Or if you have not read this book, please give your two cents on what principles I have talked about here? Do you think it works for all children?



Have you tried similar methods? How have they worked?

Where do you draw the the line on when to intervene and when to ignore?

Thanks for your input!

  *photograph taken by Helga Laing

Hitting

Lucas has began some bad habits: hitting, and pushing. We have tried telling him no, time outs, if he hits with something taking it away, and sad to say, slapping his hands. So far I think time outs have worked the best, but it doesn't seem like he connects being punished with doing something bad. I know he is only 18 months old, but I would like to have an effective way of stopping bad habits when they start. Luckily we haven't had any complaints from nursery leaders, or my sisters who watch him in the mornings for me. However, I want to be a proactive parent and do something now about his hitting and pushing before it becomes a problem.

So....

How have you dealt with a child that hits?
Have you found that one punishment works better than others?
What ways do you positively reinforce good behavior?
How have you encouraged your child to make good decisions at a young age?

Please don't smash the bread...

image from cafemom.com

I remember running errands with a good friend of mine when I was childless. I was amazed at how much longer everything took. Just getting out of the car was three times the effort I was used to. So when I had my first child I expected this slow down to my routine, but we still went out often. My first son was my best shopping buddy. He still does pretty well if it is just him and me because I have enough wits to listen to what he is saying and interact with him. What I didn't anticipate was how much slower two kids are, especially when one of them is an infant. At first as I learned to juggle two I spent most of the time on damage control duty rather than active listening, teaching, and loving of my kids...so errands were dreadful if my baby was awake and not napping in his car seat. I have improved a bit but I still have to gear up big time to go to the store and run most errands. If I am not in an energetic mood I try to skip the trip {if I can} and wait for my husband to watch the kids so I can go alone. It is that much more work with two...for me anyway.

I thought maybe you all would have some tips to make running errands a little easier.

Does this get easier with more than one child as they get older?

Is shopping this much of an effort for you?

How do you keep them from smashing the food (if you are grocery shopping), running amuck, and/or hitting each other? Or in other words, what do you do to keep everyone sane at the store or *gasp* even happy?

{Am I chasing a flying unicorn in this request? :)}

Would love to hear from you...

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

My son is four and a half and about 15-25 % of what comes out of his mouth lately is a lie. I know that some lying is normal {I think} but I am really stumped on how to handle it the right way. I don't want him to be afraid to tell me the truth but I am not going to omit consequences to win a popularity contest either. I have read about some experts saying that lying is a good indicator that your child possesses enough creative brain power to lie. Hmm. I don't know about that, but I do know that I believe lying should be discouraged. I need help in doing it in a positive and empowering way.

So far, I have just sat down with him and grimly expressed how much lying really bothers me. It is on the top of my list of no no's. If you hit your brother I am disappointed, but if you lie about it, it makes the situation worse. Lying hurts others and makes them not believe what you say. Lying is a bad choice. I say that ALL the time, but I just can't tell if my words are sticking since his behavior doesn't really change at all. Sometimes I get really frustrated with him over it and I KNOW that is counterproductive.

I really need ideas. I wonder if I am worrying too much over little lies. Where do I draw the line?

What do you do when your children lie?
How do you help them internalize what you are teaching them?
What consequences do you set for lying if any?
What thoughts do you have on children and lying? What is healthy and to be expected?

Teaching Toddlers Boundaries

A couple weeks ago my 1 1/2 yr. old son broke all my Willow Tree figurines. Two were salvageable, one was not. Before this happened I had tried for weeks to keep him away from the figurines. I had moved them, taken him away from them whenever he tried to play with them, tried distracting him with something else, and numerous other things. Since then, I've noticed that teaching boundaries to toddler is extremely difficult and requires constant attention and reminding. I think I need a little help in this area to make teaching times more affective. So:

What are ways that you have found helped teach your toddler boundaries?
What are ways that didn't work for you?
In essence, how did you teach your toddler to not do something you didn't want them to?

Requests From Our Readers: Week 10

This week we are talking about paying children for chores. In the past we have talked about motivation and praise for children, but this reader request sheds a new light on it. Check it out!




"What do you think about rewarding children for chores? On one hand I feel that children should be expected to do chores, and shouldn't be motivated only by rewards. I fear that by rewarding children for chores, they will be unwilling to help out unless they can receive something from it. Work should be a part of family life. On the other hand, I think it would be a great time to be able to teach children about money and how to save, pay tithing, etc."

So help her out!

What does your family do for chores?
If you don't reward children for chores, how do you motivate them to help?
How do you feel about an allowance?

Talking Back

I don't have an issue with this yet as my son only talks in gibberish! However I know other families do and thought it would be a good idea to beef up my tool box with how to deal with it before it starts. So my questions are:

Have you dealt with back talk, and if so how?

Do you have a set punishment for back talk, or is it dealt with on a case by case basis?

Also, we are going to be starting a recipe blog and would love input from our readers for recipes! If you have a recipe you would like to suggest, please email it and a couple pictures to thevillageformoms@gmail.com. We will post when we have our first recipe up and going!