Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Talking Back

I don't have an issue with this yet as my son only talks in gibberish! However I know other families do and thought it would be a good idea to beef up my tool box with how to deal with it before it starts. So my questions are:

Have you dealt with back talk, and if so how?

Do you have a set punishment for back talk, or is it dealt with on a case by case basis?

Also, we are going to be starting a recipe blog and would love input from our readers for recipes! If you have a recipe you would like to suggest, please email it and a couple pictures to thevillageformoms@gmail.com. We will post when we have our first recipe up and going!


On The Go Family said...

My kids are pretty young (almost 5 and almost 3) so we haven't had a huge issue with this.

When they are whining or being sassy, my first line of defense is to ask them to try again. This usually does the trick. If they're not able to correct the behavior on their own and talk respectfully, I invite them to sit on the stairs or go up to their rooms for some time to calm down.

I used to "send them to time out" but I found that hasn't been nearly as effective (and calming for me) as "inviting" them to go somewhere so that they can calm down.

Jared and Delia said...

Okay...so Megan was nice enough to post this for me. My son has just recently been having a hard time with this. He is 4 1/2. We try to ask him to repeat his phrase nicely. MOST of the time it works. BUT sometimes he just feels snappy I guess and will yell or hit or slam his door. I didn't think this would be an issue until MUCH later but I guess I was wrong. I don't want to stifle his feelings but I want to know how to help him constructively express his emotions. How do you delineate the line between sharing your feelings and talking back? Am I making any sense? I am really lost with this one.

Roeckers said...

Ohh! I like that line "line between sharing your feelings and talking back"! I plan on using that with my 7yr old. I need more lines like that!

Good question hard to answer. Each of my kids responds differently to discipline. With my 7yr old a talking to expressing your disappointment is all it takes usually. My 4yr old hates time outs, and my two year old only responds to loss of whatever thing he is interested in that day (toy, pacifier-I know, his blanket...).

Interested to see what other ideas I can draw from you all. I am no good at disciplining my children for talking back!

Tannie Datwyler said...

I had not thought about backtakling as a form of expression until Delia brought it up. In my mind talking back isn't allowed (which for the most part my little girl doesn't do - except, "no mommy.") But I really thought that she is just expressing her emotions, and how hard it is for those little ones to master themselves.

Take yesterday for example - I think I took something away from my daughter.... I think it was something she didn't clean up after repeatedly asking her to. she didn't talk back much but she sure did get really upset and show her frusration by screaming and growling and possibly slamming the fridge (she always gets a drink of water when she is upset). I tend to always tell her she needs to calm down, but now I think I need to be more lenient like Delia said - she's just expressing how she feels.

With that being said - I can't allow tantrums or backtalk, so what I do that works great for me has already been said. I send her to her room - but again, it isn't timeout - it is time to calm down and that's what I tell her. "Do you want to go to your room and calm down for a while?" Sometimes she goes on her own, and sometimes she goes kicking and screaming, but never fail, if we leave her up there for 2-10 minutes (depeneding on how upset she is) and get her after she is calm, she is a totally different kid than the one that went up. She expresses how she feels up there in her room and then is just fine.

This is an excellent notion Megan - I hope some other moms with older back talking kids can help us out.

mistybown said...

My 6 year old thinks she's a diva many days so we've had this issue for a bit (the fact that she's just like her mother has nothing to do with it, I'm sure! ;) )

For forgotten manners, we use the following:
We tell our kids that "I'd be happy to help you when you can ask like a big boy/girl."
We also use "Did you hear something? I thought I maybe heard someone try and ask for help." That usually gets them to recognize what they forgot in asking (please, etc.).
I've also used "I'm glad you can ask for help, but how are you supposed to ask?" They know by now they're supposed to be saying please so when I say this one they repeat their question right after I'm done with a please added on.
We've also used "I'd LOVE to get you a drink, but how should you ask me for one?"
They're all pretty much the same idea, just with a different twist on them.

For talking back, we use the following:
"I appreciate/understand that you're upset, but that's not how you talk to me with respect. Try again."
I always try & communicate an "I understand" or an "I appreciate" so that my kids know that I understand where they're coming from. I find that if I leave out the I understand or the I appreciate part my child will just reiterate what they previously said in exactly the same way but with more emphasis on their "But MOM, ...."

Good luck!

Amanda said...

This is a good question. And, I had never really considered Delia's thought about sharing feelings either. However, there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to share feelings. When they cannot communicate respectfully, that's when I see a problem. The way I handle it really depends on the situation. I usually ask them to try again using a kind voice. If they can't, they need to either spend time in their room to calm down or go to time out. Just depends on the situation really. I find that most of the time, when younger kids are talking back, it's because they're testing their limits. They're trying to determine what is appropriate (or inappropriate) speech. Or, in some cases, I feel my kids just don't understand what they're really feeling. I have found it helps to say something along the lines of, "You sound like you're feeling frustrated. Even when we're frustrated we can use a kind voice." They know that next time they feel that way, they are expected to use a nice voice anyway.